Time for a change

I've never really been one of high ambition and a desire to be a career woman. While friends from high school were mapping out their lives in terms of occupations and studies, the extent of my future planning was to get married and have kids. FAMILY and all that it entailed was my ambition and one that I succeeded at, getting married and having my first child at 21.

Since we moved to our new town 5 years ago, a change has been slowly happening. The thought crossed my mind that maybe it was time to get out there and do something, someone mentioned Teacher Aide which suited me...I get to work with kids but not have the responsiblity and planning of a teacher. And so that's what I've been working as full-time for the last 3 1/2 years and loving it.

Over my time, I've realised, without wanting to be big-headed, that I have a talent for it and this has blossomed into a desire to be a teacher, to relate to these kids in a way that they don't always get at home and to try to nurture a curiosity of life and a love of learning in them. The time frame was in about 5- 10 years though, when my kids were bigger. But with a bit of encouragement from a work collegue, that was moved ahead to NEXT YEAR. Why not? I could drop back my working hours and replace it with part-time study. I COULD DO THIS! YES!

But reading Leila's post here stirred something in me, something I couldn't quite pinpoint. Was it just my reoccurring desire to add another one to the family. This has been something that pops up with regularity although Mitch is quite adamant that he doesn't want any more children. Which is fair enough...this is his life and family too! And although mine is a legitimate desire, part of it is tangled up with dreams of being home again, of nurturing my own child and pottering around my own house and garden.

And having a child gives me an excuse to do that. I know working women say they feel guilty for working...when I was a SAHM, I felt guilty for not working...like I was being lazy, a sponge off my husband, a let-down to the sisterhood. I couldn't stay home home without a "legitimate" reason. (Although the money helps too.)

And then I went to a uni information night and just came home feeling weighed down and pressured.

A talk and a cry with Mitch later and it all became clear.

I needed to get my priorities right. I wanted to mother again. I wanted to look after my husband. I was sick of the house being in chaos all the time, of being busy all the time, of trying to find the right balance, of thinking if I could just tweak it right, it would all fall into place and blaming myself when it didn't. I wanted to gift my family with a peaceful home, I wanted to nurture them again as my MAIN priority, not something that I would get to when I had the time and energy.

So, I would still reduce my hours next year BUT not replace them with anything. That extra time would be for me and my family. And what a wonderful sense of peace and rightness I have now. I'll still make enough money to cover our mortgage, things will just be a little tighter. But that's okay. I can still study in the future when the kids are older. I'll only be 41 when Ella turns 18. There's plenty of time to do that extra stuff, but the time with my kids will pass in a flash and I'll never get it back.

And even Rosie (who is more obsessed with money and material things than I'd like) is excited at the thought of  me "being a mummy again" as she put it, even if it means less money. She's even pushing for me to be at home all the time, so she can come home to a tidy house and the small of fresh baking. I've always known how important these things are, but am only just realising how much.

P.S. I'm proud to say that the girls won their netball finals on Monday. It was a nail-biting game that was yo-yoing back and forth, but they emerged victorious by 3 points. You should have heard the cheering and celebrations.